Am I crazy? Have I gone insane? How? How did this happen? How the fuck did this happen? How did a simple crush turn into an obsession? How? Someone... Please... Tell me how did it turn this way...?
I can't tell if I like him or not. I can only admit that I'm fascinated by him. I used to feel content by just watching and talking to him. I really used to feel that way. But when did I cross that line? Just when did I cross it? I initially found him amusing because of his behavior but now... I feel like I want everything. I'm being greedy now. I hunger for more. Why? Why is it so? Now, I long for nothing but more conversations with him, more time with him, more everything... There were so many times I could've given up on him yet I did not. Do I really like him? Or am I just obsessed with following him around? We have nothing in common at all. Absolutely... nothing.
According to my companion, I've changed. I'm no longer who I was. Naturally, that's a bad thing. I've changed from what- Happy-go-lucky to super-depressed-lovesick-puppy? How did I fall for a guy who seems to not enjoy conversation? How exactly did that happen? How am I supposed to assess his personality if he doesn't really speak? I can't be observing him all the time, in fact, I am not supposed to. I might've scared him. Or maybe I've annoyed the hell out of him. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I'm afraid to make a move. I... don't want the past to repeat itself...
People say that he's slowly opening up to me but right now, I feel like I'm thin air to him. I can't tell if he knows anything or not, or if he's annoyed at me or anything, all because of his poker face. It's not his fault, it really isn't.
It's true I started college with high hopes of finding someone I'd come to love on campus. I did. But I was never quite serious about it. And I'm not the type of person who'd just enjoy flings. I really want someone to always be there for me. I want someone who'll be serious.
He doesn't look all that good but to me, the more I observe him, the better he just gets. In terms of everything. Yes.. In terms of everything... I won't say he's perfect but to me, he's really damn good. From how things are, from my bloody blunt observation, he doesn't seem to be the type that's looking for a girl. Ah... I just hate the fool I turn out to be always. I give advise to people on what to do but... I can't do anything I say. Hello hypocrite me!
As I've said, he and I have no similar interests so far. He hates books. Most of the time, he's just loitering around the area. Why... Just why did I have to fall for him? Why couldn't it be another guy? Why couldn't it just be another guy...? I feel the strong urge to cry yet I can't. What's there to cry for? It's my wrong for raising my hopes for nothing. Stupid moronic me.
I just wish... He'll actually say "Hi" to me on his own accord instead of me constantly doing that instead. I just wish he'll give a sign of how much of a friend I am to him. If he has no interest in me at all, I rather he say it to me so I can stop annoying him. I admit I barely know him at all. And it's going to be difficult to know more since I'm already socially withdrawing myself. I want to hide and run but where can I go? Also, this problem could constantly repeat itself, just like it did few years ago. Except that things ended in a rather ugly note back then. I'm determined to not make the same mistake.
He might probably think me as a huge flirt because I'm pretty much friendly to guys who talk to me. Every time he's around, there's surely a guy I'm being very friendly to. Don't misunderstand me, please don't. I don't feel anything for them. I can be all friendly and nuts to other people but to him... I automatically restrain myself. All simply because... I don't want him to feel annoyed. So please.. Someone... Just give me a sign
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