it's not actually a secret that  i havent gotten over any past fears. i still have this sickening fear of being hated by people i care for, or would like to THINK that i care for.

but its alright, i dont exist. it doesnt matter who said it to me. maybe it does. but its the words and not the person that shook me to the core. ive once again been doubting my own existence and hey! someone comes along and tells me that i dont exist. isnt it a perfect push? to just let my life trickle away like a leaky faucet.

i dont want insincere apologies. enough of that. just stop it. oh wait, thatll never happen.

why cant i just take advice? why cant i stop playing with fire? or start believing that fire will burn me no matter how i treat it? why do i keep piling my life up with regrets? why cant i recall happy events? why do i keep torturing myself this way..