Imagining a scenario where the younger me laughs as hard as she can at the me of today. Once again, I'm at the point where I question my worth. How much my beliefs actually mean. I'm absurdly immature. I know that much. I'm always unable to see the bigger picture. My thoughts are so naiive, so childish, I'm insignificant. I agree. I really am insignificant. Just because you don't believe in it, I shouldn't too. You may have done it accidentally, or unintentionally, both which I don't actually care anymore if you intended for either. Maybe you were trying to pull me out of my naivety but can you at least respect the fact that I do not like arguments? I believe I look like an open textbook in terms of feelings. I can't pull off poker faces. You say you know me very well all the time, don't you? Can't you at least read my expression? Can't you actually realize how hard I'm keeping myself from snapping at you? Can't you see that you just stabbed through yet another one of my weak points?

Look, I don't have the strength to fight anymore. Don't give me shit about never giving up. Come to understand you are not me, so you can't completely understand my situation even if you make it sound like yours is far much more worse. Come to understand I am not you, I can't bounce into confidence so easily. I am weak. We'll never have the same vitality. So don't you go trampling on mine with YOUR ideals. It's been clear that we're both actually different for a long time. I didn't want to accept it so I dragged along but I'm at my limit. I don't want to constantly argue over matters with you but that seems to be something you'd always like to do. From recent conversations, I've actually felt my stress levels increasing as I struggle to maintain my composure around you. I don't want to snap because I don't want to take you for granted. I'm scared that everything will happen again. Yes, I'm completely unable to move on and I know you already have. I may try to forget you but the trauma still remains. And it haunts me.

Sometimes, I want to go back to the me of the past, and tell her that everything is fine. Give her a hug and tell her, "You're not alone" every single time she breaks down. I'll tell her to who to walk away from, even if it seems like torture to do so. Maybe... Maybe I would change for the better. Maybe I would change for the worse. Who knows. The me of right now has so many regrets. So many words I wanted to say. So many words I want to retract but none of it's gonna happen. Confidence. I wonder how I managed to sit back and watch others rip mine to shreds. I wonder how destroyed it with my own two hands. I know full well that as long as I do not rebuild it, this life will constantly seem meaningless because I'm already a void in the lives of most people.