I ask myself again. What is it that i really want? He was almost everything that i could ever ask for. an near ideal with the few natural flaws. the patience that never seems to run. the understanding and acceptance, or at least an attempt to accept and understand who i am though i still believe the person he really loves is not me but the image of me in his head. regret. regret. regret. many years down the road, i know i'm going to look back and ask myself, "why did i let such a great guy go?". i suspect my feelings of inferiority were in play. i wanted so badly to be better, or at least prove that i'm better than a person i deemed a genius. he may have lost his scholarship/ sponsorship but within my eyes, few months back, he was someone superior. till today, he is still quite intelligent. i, on the other hand, am a complete idiot. i don't know anything yet i still plunge into the heart of the matter. yet i'm the cause of his misery. these feelings of insecurity. i've apologized time and time again. but everytime i speak to him in person, it is as if im prancing around in victorious spite while splashing acid at him.

i've said that i'm afraid of him. it is true. i am afraid. my apparent hatred was probably the only defense mechanism i knew. i think back. again, as i jog through my memories, he isn't such a bad guy after all. in fact, he would've been the type of guy i'd kill for had he been taller than me. i say "personality over looks" but it's a total opposite in reality. he's not a looker, that is very unfortunately true. he's only a wee bit taller than i am. he has flaws. i have even more flaws than him yet i want to be superior. i am vain. perhaps i did not actually want someone special. perhaps i only wanted to bask in the feeling of being loved, being wanted. i've never understood love though. was it equivalent to lust? i know it isn't but sometimes it feels like it does. now, if i think back, he was quite a pervert but he probably never lusted after me yet i feared he did. what the hell is wrong with me? feelings of guilt fucking with my head now? he was different... or so i guess.

he was clingy, but he did give me my space to breathe until the semester started. or so i felt. he was probably getting more excited at the prospect of being able to meet me again and i... fearing everything. i immediately felt constricted after he requested for my schedule and places i go when i have time. we've only been together for a few weeks at that point in time, and so it scared me. i felt as if i was being suffocated. i am irrational. i did tell him that i was already starting to feel uncomfortable, right before valentines day yet he still chose to meet me. he gave me a present, and all he requested for was a hug. i didn't give it because i am a bitch. also because i was already scared of him. countless amount of nights were lost as i lay on my bed, thinking of how the situation will go. i ran simulation after simulation on how to break up with him. yes, my mind processed all of that but never chose to try solving the problem. i ran away from the beginning. i never gave him enough chances to prove himself. i was too afraid of my own delusions rather than reality. or maybe i feared both so greatly that my judgements summoned my cowardly side instead. i did not lie when i said that i am unappreciative. look at this entire mess. is anyone aware of the fact that he has been obviously patient enough to me, waiting and instantly responding while i take my own fucking sweet time? a message per hour? seriously?

when did i have the fear of males becoming close to me? was i really that affected by what happened to me 6 years ago? immense pleasure, i'd say but by the time i came to my senses, the next day to be specific, i was horrified. for months i'd stare at myself in the mirror and call her a filthy bitch. i felt defiled when nothing much actually happened. perhaps then, it struck my unconscious mind that all guys want girls only for their bodies. it was lust, not love. i regret it. it's something i'd like to go back in time for, to pull myself away. i still remember that day clearly. and then i realize, the person i called my best friend wasn't exactly the best influence in my life. should've listened to mum when she told me to stay away from that girl. i never listened. look at where i am now. or at least my mental state. i am afraid of intentions, even the slightest will send me scampering. especially when i'm told that i'm really nice to hug. i'm deathly afraid. but i'm sorry because by the time i told you about my fear and us being too... fast paced, my mind was already wrecked. i jumped off the hull of a perfectly normal boat. he was willing to wait, but not for long. it was initially 'like' from him but then it suddenly transformed to 'love' when i was in the process of leaving. i do not understand how can one fall in love in such a short period of time. perhaps at that moment, my mind subconsciously linked it to him wanting my body. as i have said. i am vain. fucking vain.

do i want him back? a yes and no. his personality is to die for. his habits another. but no, nothing's going to come back because of me and my fucking stupidity.